Mental Health
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Be Present for Joy
Joy isn’t always in the present. But it isn’t anywhere else, either.
Joy doesn’t live in the past, or the future. This little millisecond sliding through time, splitting the future from the past is all we have. Trying to fight that kills any possibility of joy.
I say this in the middle of extremely dark and terrifying times. It’s because of those very times that I say this.
I would love to be in another timeline as much as the next person, but we need to stay present and try not to dissociate or long for the past or mentally speed ahead to a better future.
I am not advocating for toxic positivity. Injustice is infuriating and rightly so. Grief and rage are warranted and needed. But we can’t live on rage alone. Without any joy, we die.
During these dangerous and evil days, finding joy in the present often requires zooming way in, up close and looking at our day under a microscope. Zoom in on the building blocks of life that are easily missed. Zoom in to feel the warm sun on your face. Zoom in to enjoy the dew drops on a blade of grass. Zoom in to relish the tickle of curly toddler hair against your neck, their little heartbeat against your chest. Zoom in to the buzz of crickets on a still night. Zoom in to a loved one’s laugh. Zoom in to meditate on the smell of muffins in the oven or the takeout on your counter. Breathe.
Anxieties are high. My own is through the roof. But I try my best not to let it take any more from me than is necessary. So I ground myself and try to focus on what I can control and what I love and not give up my joy voluntarily.
There will be moment where joy is impossible or inappropriate, but don’t let them take over more than their rightful space.
What can you find in your microscope today that could bring you a little joy?
Sometimes joy is all we have.
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Imposter
Me: “So often I don’t feel like a real person. It’s as if my life is just watching a movie. It’s like I’m some sort of alien or imposter trying to figure out how to fit in and play the part.”
Therapist: “That’s common with trauma. It’s because your authentic self was squashed and not allowed to flourish and thrive.”
How messed up is that?
Religion allowed me no room for individuality or self-expression. Black and white thinking, always dying to self, submitting to others, looking outside of myself to know how to be or feel or act.
In an effort to banish anything that wasn’t absolute truth, they destroyed the only thing that is absolute – the validity of our existence and the certainty of our worth. They took away everything tangible for subjective ideologies. They stole my personhood, as if stealing my innocence wasn’t enough.
They shredded the very fabric of reality.
One comes out the other side of that a ghost, floating in a sea of uncertainty, always glancing around frantically for something solid to hold on to.
Mass control becomes easy when followers are desperate for a lifeboat, looking to their leader to validate their opinions, emotions, experiences, even their existence. It’s easy to manipulate people who become so unsure of themselves it’s difficult to know what they want if no one has told them. It’s easier to assimilate.
It’s not always obvious to the outsider, but yes, this is a common experience for those coming out of religion. It just takes a lot of self-awareness and education to understand where the nervousness and uncertainty is coming from.
Taking power is easy when your victims don’t even feel real. As someone who spent 26 years on the inside, I can tell you this is normal in those circles. It just isn’t talked about because most of us have so little sense of self we can’t piece together how our experiences have affected us. We don’t call out what we think is normal.
These soul-thieves and spirit-crushers cannot be allowed to leech any further into society, taking what is not theirs. Enough is enough.
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Black Sheep
ME: “I’m the Black Sheep of my family and the community they raised me in. I’ve always been demonized as a strong-willed child and a rebel.”
THERAPIST: “Why do you think that is?”
ME: “I’ve just always been different. I’ve never been able to be what they want. They told me I’m bad when I tried so hard to be good. Looking back I can see now it’s a strong sense of justice that makes me seem angry to some people. Also for as long as I can remember I’ve had a driving urge to find the truth. I could never blindly obey or accept easy answers that didn’t make sense. That’s put me at odds with my upbringing. My search for truth has taken me places I wasn’t allowed to go, and my intentions have been consistently questioned and misinterpreted.”
THERAPIST: “That sounds incredibly difficult. How do you think your life would be different if you weren’t the black sheep?”
ME: “I think I would believe in myself more. I wouldn’t constantly question myself or wrestle with a gnawing doubt in my own goodness. So many people have tried to convince me I’m crazy. Why?!”
THERAPIST: “Maybe they are trying to convince themselves you are crazy. Because if you’re crazy, they don’t have to listen to you. I’ve noticed a pattern in your life where people try to take away your voice. Not in obvious ways, that would be easier to deal with. But in manipulative under-the-surface ways, even trying to tell you that what they’re doing is best for you.”
ME: “I know! It happens over and over. Why is it always me? I’m the common denominator. Is something wrong with me?”
THERAPIST: “No. You’re a Truth-Teller. People don’t like that. It makes them uncomfortable. The Black Sheep of the family is almost always the Truth-Teller.”
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Eyes Down
Eyes down; display humility. Don’t dare question authority.
Be quiet and kind; don’t look him in the eyes. Avert your gaze, stay polite, use manners always.
Submit, obey, follow. Empty yourself until you feel hollow.
Listen, don’t speak, have self control. Suppress your emotions, remember your role.
Serve, give, smile, sacrifice. Set yourself aside no matter the price.
Slouch your shoulders a little bit; just enough to show you’re not a threat.
Step aside, get out of the way, be flexible. Don’t be a burden and make yourself small.
“What do you want to do today?”
Oh, whatever you want.
“Where do you want to eat?”
Anywhere is fine.
“How do you feel about ______?”
I honestly don’t know.
“You should be more assertive.”
I’m not sure how. I’ve never been allowed to take up space or time with any of my own opinions, emotions or needs. I have always existed for the sake of others. It has been almost 15 years since I left and I’m still digging out the parasitic tendrils of toxic religion. That’s proof as good as any that I was a Good Christian Woman.
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Weapon of Choice
With the rise of the deconstruction movement, and the internet making connection more accessible and isolation more difficult to enforce, survivors of religious trauma are coming forward in droves. Our stories are being heard in greater numbers than ever before. Documentaries are going mainstream exposing the atrocities committed by various Christian denominations. Because of our bravery, its finally coming to light in recent years just how toxic the Evangelical church is, especially through the lens of mental health.
Its getting harder for the church to hide their narcissistic and abusive behavior. It’s becoming more obvious that gaslighting is their weapon of choice. Perhaps the ultimate form of this gaslighting is consistently lying about the source of, and solutions for, mental illness.
Congregants are constantly attacked with “Do not be anxious about anything, but make your requests known to God” and “Depression is a strategy of the enemy. Trust God and give it to him!”, “God wants healing for you, all you have to do is pray.” “Stop acting hopeless like unbelievers – continue in the joy of the Lord and abide in his peace.”
While the Evangelical Church would have us think that mental illness is a result of disobedience, many are discovering that for them, the church itself is actually the cause of their mental health struggles. Following their teachings means living constantly on edge, trying to please everyone all the time. It means being responsible for other people’s emotions in order to avoid rumors and judgment and straight up attacks on our lives. Unsurprisingly this leads to chronic and crippling anxiety. Faithful involvement with your neighborhood congregation often means being trapped in a suffocating group that consistently insists you are evil and flawed to your core. It means being surrounded with reminders that you are worthless if not for God’s pity. Obviously this can develop into life-destroying depression. Being beaten into submission both physically and emotionally, and then rejected, betrayed and shunned for looking different usually causes Post Traumatic Stress and a lifetime of severe dysregulation.
The narrative handed to us in church is that mental health issues are a symptom of not being devout enough. But in fact, it is precisely our very devotion and commitment to the church that erodes our mental health! If we were less devout, we would also be less damaged. The closer you are to the flame, the worse you get burned.
If we seek help, we are met with “You aren’t trusting God enough” “Spend more time at church” “delve deeper into your faith” “repent!” but its those very actions that hurt us in the first place. If, in our attempts to heal, we listen to those we’ve been conditioned to obey, we become more and more exposed to the source of our painful symptoms.
It’s quite a clever plan, when you think about it. It’s easier to manipulate and control those who are mentally ill, so helping us heal isn’t in the church’s best interest. Blaming the sickness on the patient and not on the disease keeps us right where they need us. Convincing us the contagion is actually the cure traps us in a loop. Desperate people take desperate measures and most of us will keep clinging to dynamite if we truly believe it will relieve our pain. After all, our religion has the solution to everything. We just need to stop relying on our own understanding, turn off our minds and do what we’re told.
Shame on you, church!
My only consolation is knowing the truth is coming out brighter and louder now and people are fleeing at a higher rate than ever before. Deep, dark secrets are exposed en masse – the oppressors’ worst nightmare. It is a slow and arduous battle, but we are on the winning side of history. We’ll weaken the enemy and take that victory with our own stories as our weapon of choice.