Abuse

  • Abuse,  Reflections,  Trauma Healing

    If you don’t like my story…

    If you didn’t want me telling my story, maybe you shouldn’t have written that chapter.

    If you wanted me to make you look good, maybe you should have been a good person.

    I have the right to share my story, just as you can share yours. I own my story, just as you own yours.

    Maybe you should be more intentional when intersecting with someone else’s story.

    Maybe you should remember that your actions toward someone become part of the story they own and get to tell whenever, however and to whomever they like.

    When you enter someone’s story, you leave a mark, like a square stitched into their quilt. It might be a dark square, or a bright cheery one, but once it is stitched in, it is theirs now.

    You don’t get to be the editor in someone else’s story.

    If you didn’t want me telling my story, maybe you shouldn’t have contributed content you didn’t want published.

    If you don’t like my story, maybe you shouldn’t have helped write it, but I won’t hide it for your sake. I won’t keep quiet. My story is mine to tell.

  • Abuse,  Patriarchy,  Religious Abuse,  Trauma

    This is why we left.

    Church abuse survivors have already lived through the right-wing vision for America’s future. It was hell. This is why we left.

    The church is run by dictators who claim, “There is only one right way”.

    Republican Christians voted for a dictator to enforce their preferred way on an entire nation.

    This is why we left.

    The church teaches that anyone different is dangerous and should be converted or excommunicated.

    So Republican Christians didn’t bat an eye at political messages criticizing and blaming people from other cultural and economic walks of life.

    This is why we left.

    Their sermons are dangerous, especially when applied beyond church walls.

    Church leadership is chosen based on loyalty and professed beliefs, not character or skill. Incompetent and immoral people lead the flock because of who they know or what they preach, putting church members at risk.

    So, it’s only logical that Republican Christians aren’t alarmed by a presidential cabinet filled with incompetent and immoral loyalists because that has been normalized.

    This is why we left.

    The church is unwilling to listen to dissenting voices with cause for concern; they are above accountability. How dare someone question the message of God!

    Republican Christians are hard-hearted against new perspectives. Anyone who disagrees with them is lost or evil. They will support whoever signals their buzz words.

    This is why we left.

    The church is run by a bunch of powerful guys at the top, unwilling to collaborate with anyone of lower status. They “lead” by protecting each other and covering up the misdeeds of those like them. Anyone else is collateral damage.

    Republican Christians happily support politicians who have skeletons in their closet because they think, who doesn’t? Habitual church scandals have seared their conscience.

    This is why we left.

    Contrary to the mantras they scream, there is no true freedom in “traditional” Christianity. The individual is dissolved into the obedient masses. No one is allowed to exist outside a very narrow ideal.

    Thus, Republican Christians aren’t worried when human rights are stripped away. A pious servant of God is emptied of themselves and has no rights; and neither should anyone else. Christians are commanded to take over the world with the gospel.

    This is why we left.

    In church, the end justifies the means. Their Bible is full of stories about God wiping out entire races of people and smiting adherents to other religions.

    Republican Christians aren’t appalled by an administration preaching straight out of the Old Testament.

    This is why we left.

    The church practices strict information control to reduce the chances of their members discovering outside knowledge or happiness that empowers them to leave.

    The natural progression of that is Republican Christians having no qualms with our nation’s education system being dismantled, as they can’t control what is taught there. Education is risky. Science threatens to prove them wrong, and diversity offers another way of life.

    This is why we left.

    The church claims to be charitable toward the poor and enjoys tax exempt status because of that claim. But they decide who is deserving of their support, and it is almost never someone who lives differently than them. If you aren’t a Christian and you are struggling, it is probably God’s wrath. They believe people who don’t follow their rules deserve punishment and suffering.

    Republican Christians have eagerly voted in an administration intent on tearing down public assistance and punishing anyone with differing beliefs. If someone enjoys lifestyle freedoms Christians can’t have, they want to make that person miserable.

    This is why we left.

    The church isn’t safe, and people are fleeing left and right.

    A country ran by Republican Christians isn’t safe, and now many people are trying to escape with their life.

    This is why we left the first time, and why we might have to leave again.

  • Abuse,  Patriarchy,  Religious Abuse

    I Lived Through Project 2025. I almost didn’t.

    I almost didn’t survive. Many don’t.

    Living in a Christian fundamentalist bubble was pure hell. When you’re kept isolated from the real world and under extremely high control, it’s very difficult to imagine any other way of being. It’s all you know. By happenstance, I found a way out, but I could have been one of the hundreds of my childhood peers who are still back there. And if political conservatives have their way, there will no longer be any escape. There will be no in versus out. No options. That dystopian nightmare will be the only world available.

    Christian fundamentalism almost destroyed me and even a decade after getting out, I still rarely feel truly safe. Now I know why. They’re still coming after me – after all of us. And they won’t be satisfied until they have taken over the entire nation, even the world. If that feels far-fetched, look up “Dominion Theology”. It’s a foundational aspect of most branches of Christianity.

    While in the church I wanted to die every day, but I thought that was normal. Ingrained messages starting in infancy taught me I was dirty and broken because of sin. Misogyny showed me every day I was inferior, incapable and insignificant. Religiosity tightened my restrictions further every year I grew closer to becoming a woman. The church-to-abusive-marriage pipeline pulled me closer every day toward dangerous men. I would have died; if not physically, then inside.

    Depression from my apparent worthlessness tempted me to end my life multiple times. Christian judgment, shame and self-loathing kept me from genuinely smiling or laughing for over a year. Out of pure hatred for myself I purposefully hit my head and wrote poetry about death. I could have easily died.

    Anxiety and PTSD kept my body in constant fight-or-flight, wreaking havoc on my health. My muscles atrophied, I felt weak and lightheaded every day, my body was too stressed to absorb enough energy and nutrients from my food. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low and I suffered from chronic dehydration that landed me in the hospital three times. I experienced firsthand how trauma lives in our bodies and slowly kills us. If this had continued on much longer, I likely would have developed a disabling chronic condition as so many survivors do, maybe even died.

    As a young woman exploring my desires for companionship and pleasure, I was groomed and pressured to marry so I didn’t sin and make my family look bad or cheapen my worth. I ended up married to a charismatic narcissist who pushed me to the brink of insanity with his mind games. He chipped away at my confidence, and made me do what he said. He weaponized forgiveness and compassion. He spent my money and threatened my well-being if I didn’t submit. By random chance the dominoes fell where I was able to escape before I no longer cared if I lived or died.

    As a minor, I wasn’t allowed access to sex education. I was prohibited from getting the HPV vaccine because it might “encourage me to have sex” and “remove the consequences of sin”. So later when my abusive Christian husband cheated on me and exposed me to STI’s, I contracted HPV. It wasn’t discovered until years later when I had to have an emergency surgery to remove the mutated cells. If it wasn’t discovered when it was, I could have died. I know another woman raised in the church who wasn’t so lucky. She lived to be 29.

    I wasn’t given access to women’s healthcare because if I was “following God” I shouldn’t have any conditions that needed treating. When I had a miscarriage, I was lucky I had recently left the church and lived in a blue state, or I could have died.

    Christian fundamentalism is inherently life-threatening; especially to women, people with disabilities, queer folks, and people of color, but it harms all people – both inside and outside its church walls. The impending possibility of Project 2025 is a matter not only of freedom and happiness, but also literally of life and death.

    Christian fundamentalists don’t believe in human rights for anyone who can’t fit inside their narrow roles and expectations. In fact, to them human rights as a concept doesn’t exist – only God’s blessing or God’s wrath. We have no “rights” to anything, but can only accept what God ordains. Thus a queer couple shouldn’t expect to have the right to marry – they are breaking God’s rules for families and don’t deserve God’s blessing. They should receive wrath and discipline for their sin. Lower income families shouldn’t feel entitled to the resources and money they need to thrive. After all, you reap what you sow. Women shouldn’t be eligible to vote or have a career – if they express a different opinion than their husbands or build an independent life, they are challenging the sacred design of headship and stepping outside of God’s protection. They shouldn’t think they have rights over their bodies – that’s countering a scripture that says “your body is not your own”. Breaking God’s rules leads to punishment, not blessing. And yes, Christian fundamentalists are eager to punish anyone they believe has broken their rules. That’s why they don’t care when women die as a result of abortion bans. They see it merely as cause and effect. Anyone suffering must have brought it upon themselves.

    A terrifying fact in the current climate crisis is that Christian fundamentalists don’t care about the environment. They view natural resources as theirs for the taking. They welcome the end times and look forward to the burning of the earth as a precursor to the establishment of the Kingdom of Heaven. Because Jesus is coming soon, it’s pointless to invest in “earthly things” or plan many years ahead. Besides, God will supernaturally stop the earth from being destroyed before “his perfect timing”. But the fact remains that the eventual destruction of the whole world is a pillar of their theology and they see no reason to try to stop it. Doing so is blasphemous, “worshipping creation instead of creator”. Besides, the environmental suffering hasn’t yet affected their elite Christian circles enough to give it a second thought.

    Christian fundamentalists believe it is their God-given calling and command to dominate and rule the world, transforming it into a religious theocracy where all people live in compliance. They view themselves as “God’s hands and feet” whose job it is to carry out divine justice as they see fit. This sets up a superiority complex with Christians at the top and everyone else under their thumb. Anyone who dares to challenge Christian leadership should expect to be conquered and forced into obedience. Christian fundamentalists believe they will be rewarded with riches and happiness both on earth and in heaven if they do this. And believe me, they are working hard toward that goal right now.

    The Republican Party and the Christian Nationalist movement are well aware that religious brainwashing and the fear of God produces the most loyal and passionate followers. Working hand-in-hand to climb to the top of a government and weaken a democracy, these groups know they need a lot of people on their side, and what better way than using religion? Conservative power mongers have been laying the groundwork behind the scenes for decades now by infiltrating American homes with extreme doctrines and curriculums like Bill Gothard’s Institute of Basic Life Principles, James Dobson’s Focus on the Family and Gary Ezzo’s Growing Kids God’s Way. They have a long history of influencing politics in their favor using Christianity as a distraction and disguise and are now making unprecedented headway. A few examples of current events they laid the groundwork for is the overturning Roe v Wade and “Don’t Say Gay” laws. The upcoming November 2024 election is one of the most critical steps in their grand plan.

    If religious conservatives and the GOP continue to be successful placing their proponents in crucial roles from local government all the way up to the federal level and elect a man who has openly supported attempts at overthrowing a democracy, the United States and the entire globe will be in a very dangerous place. Donald Trump is a felon and a rapist. He waves the Bible around for his political gain. He has been recorded publicly saying when he becomes president it won’t be necessary to vote anymore and he proudly promises he will replace thousands of government employees with his own picks. He incites violence toward women and people of color and he is the chosen one of the extremist Christian Nationalist movement. Trump is the kingpin for putting Project 2025 firmly in pace and his name is mentioned more than 300 times in the official document. If successful, millions of people will suffer, experience trauma and die. The “outside world” won’t exist anymore. Christian extremism will be the only reality. They’ve already told us their plans – demolish no-fault divorce, abolish IVF and contraceptives, remove a woman’s right to vote by establishing “head of family” laws, lower the age of consent for marriage, strip away the government’s ability to establish environmental protections and much more. Their plan is power and they don’t care who it hurts. This is only the beginning – we need to believe them when they tell us who they are. We must stop this.

    Vote Blue on every ticket this November. Elect Harris Walz 2024.

  • Abuse,  Mental Health,  PTSD,  Religious Abuse,  Trauma Healing

    Black Sheep

    ME: “I’m the Black Sheep of my family and the community they raised me in. I’ve always been demonized as a strong-willed child and a rebel.”

    THERAPIST: “Why do you think that is?”

    ME: “I’ve just always been different. I’ve never been able to be what they want. They told me I’m bad when I tried so hard to be good. Looking back I can see now it’s a strong sense of justice that makes me seem angry to some people. Also for as long as I can remember I’ve had a driving urge to find the truth. I could never blindly obey or accept easy answers that didn’t make sense. That’s put me at odds with my upbringing. My search for truth has taken me places I wasn’t allowed to go, and my intentions have been consistently questioned and misinterpreted.”

    THERAPIST: “That sounds incredibly difficult. How do you think your life would be different if you weren’t the black sheep?”

    ME: “I think I would believe in myself more. I wouldn’t constantly question myself or wrestle with a gnawing doubt in my own goodness. So many people have tried to convince me I’m crazy. Why?!”

    THERAPIST: “Maybe they are trying to convince themselves you are crazy. Because if you’re crazy, they don’t have to listen to you. I’ve noticed a pattern in your life where people try to take away your voice. Not in obvious ways, that would be easier to deal with. But in manipulative under-the-surface ways, even trying to tell you that what they’re doing is best for you.”

    ME: “I know! It happens over and over. Why is it always me? I’m the common denominator. Is something wrong with me?”

    THERAPIST: “No. You’re a Truth-Teller. People don’t like that. It makes them uncomfortable. The Black Sheep of the family is almost always the Truth-Teller.”

  • Abuse,  Religious Trauma

    Church of the Anti-Christ

    Jesus says: “Let him without sin cast the first stone”
    The church says: “Did you hear about what Sadie did?!” “We need to pray for Trevor, he’s straying from the way.” “Lauren is so caught up in things of this world.”

    Jesus: “The meek shall inherit the earth.”
    The church: “True men are conquerors and warriors!”

    Jesus wept.
    The church: “Have the joy of the Lord! Give it to God! Your emotions lie to you and your heart is deceitful!”

    Jesus: “Have the faith of a little child.”
    The church: “Submit to your elders!”

    Jesus: “Let the little children come to me.”
    The church: “Children should be seen and not heard.”

    Jesus: “Do not resist an evil man, instead turn the other cheek, blessed are the peacemakers”
    The church: “We must fight to protect our freedoms!”

    Jesus: “The last shall be first and the first shall be last”
    The church: *protects those in power, subdues women and children, silences minorities, decision-making teams don’t reflect the demographic they oversee, etc*

    Jesus: “Love your enemies, love your neighbor as yourself, the greatest commandment is love.”
    The church: “You’re not one of us!” “You’re going to hell!” “Atheists, other religions, different cultures…they’re all trying to destroy this country!”

    Jesus: *elects 12 uneducated, lower-class men and many marginalized women to be the leaders of his ministry, applauds the faith example of children, and praises the godliness of the poor*
    The church: “You can’t serve or teach without an expensive seminary degree. Why should we listen to you? You’re not a pastor, you’re not one of our prominent members, you’re not a large donor…”

    Jesus: *appoints a woman as the first missionary to Samaria, embraces a prostitute as one of his closest friends and a valued member of his ministry team, praises a woman for breaking gender roles to listen to him teach, chooses women as the first witnesses of the resurrection in a time when women weren’t legally allowed to be witnesses*
    The church: “Women can’t teach or lead, they are created to submit and serve.”

    Jesus: “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
    The church: “If you give financially to the church, God will expand your wealth.” “Have faith and God will richly bless you!” “Wealth is a sign of responsibility and hard work – godly traits!”


    Jesus: “Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant.”
    The church: *idolizes popular and charismatic preachers, erects huge expensive buildings and holds flashy shows and concerts…*

    Jesus: “Sell all you have and give to the poor”
    The church: “No one wants to work these days!” “God helps those who help themselves”

    Jesus: “You cannot serve both God and Money”
    The church: “We need money to serve God. Please donate to, blah, blah, blah”

    Jesus: “Woe to those who are rich”
    The church: “We are soooooo blessed in America!” (people in developing countries must not be as favored…)

    Jesus: “Put away your sword!”
    The church: “Owning guns is our right!”

    Jesus: *says nothing*
    The church: “Gay people are going to hell!”

    Jesus: “He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners … to set the oppressed free”
    The church: *oppresses the vulnerable and marginalized, opposes legislation to end their suffering*


    Jesus: “Anything you did for the least of these, you did for me”
    The church: “Work harder! Have faith! Pray about it! Take it to God!”


    Jesus: “You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.”
    The church: “Capital punishment is Biblical” “Declaring war on non-Christian nations is sometimes necessary”, *bombs abortion clinics*

    Jesus: *turns water into wine*
    The church: “Anyone on our leadership team must commit to not drinking alcohol; we want to be above reproach.”

    Jesus: “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out.”
    The church: “Ladies, you need to dress modestly to keep your brothers in Christ from stumbling.”

    Jesus: *attends Jewish festivals and weddings where dancing takes place*
    The church: “We don’t allow dancing in our building because it leads to temptation.”

    Jesus: “There is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, nothing concealed that will not be brought to light.” “If one of you sins, bring it before the church, and if they refuse to listen to the church then treat them as you would a pagan.”
    The church: “We will look the other way, we have to protect our own. Avoiding bad press will help us bring more people to the Lord.”

    Jesus: “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”
    The church: “That’s not how it is, you’re wrong, we don’t believe you!”

    Jesus: “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”
    The Church: “It’s important you get ‘plugged in’ to your church family! Volunteer in children’s ministry, set up and clean up for events, give financially, use your vacation to go on mission trips, organize fundraisers, Sunday morning is just the beginning – attend all these midweek events in your spare time!”

    Jesus: “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
    The Church: *enacts rules on beliefs, clothing, dating, friendships, music, movies, politics, dancing, alcohol, jewelry, education, money, business, hobbies, healthcare, family life….*

    Jesus: “My Father is not willing that anyone should perish.”
    The church: “If you don’t believe exactly the right things and act in exactly the right way, you must not be truly saved and you will burn in hell for all eternity.”