Autobiography of a Homeschooled Girl

My first day of public school was my first day of college at 18 years old.

Not everyone can say this, but overall, I’m glad I was homeschooled.

I do have some criticism for how my parents went about it, though, and there are some definite lasting negative effects. This is mainly because of the church influence.

I say I’m glad because aside from church trauma, I had a happy childhood. I probably also would have been happy if I went to school.

But as a kid I loved homeschooling because it helped me learn how to be self-motivated as I could get my schoolwork done early in the day and have more free time. I liked spending fewer hours in a formal, structured setting. I got to learn hands-on and have unique experiences. My parents took us on field trips, cross-country road trips and camping trips during the school year. My younger sister and I would just bring some schoolwork along for the ride. I’m thankful for the flexibility and enrichment homeschooling afforded me.

We lived far from the schools and without homeschooling I would have spent hours each day on the bus. I lived in a beautiful rural area with lots of woods and beaches and I got to spend much of the day exploring, riding my bike, climbing trees and running along the waterfront because I was able to get my work done quickly.

I did have friends, and I participated in weekly kids activities that were a lot of fun.

I was a bit introverted and liked not having to feel too overwhelmed socially in order to learn. But in all fairness it’s a “chicken or the egg” situation – which came first? Homeschooling or my shyness?

I performed well academically and I scored high in annual testing (I believe it’s legally required in the US, but some homeschool families still don’t do it). I always tested above average for my age. When I went to college I got good grades, joined Phi Theta Kappa and graduated with honors, so I didn’t suffer there.

Now for the criticism.

Public schools and daycares were vilified in the community I was raised in. The way they talked about it terrified me, making me very thankful to be homeschool. Frankly, they made school sound like a weird mix of the military and an asylum – strict teachers, grueling assignments, mean bullies, cold dark halls, stiff clothes, uncomfortable desks, long hard days, not to mention being ridiculed for your faith and being surrounded with drugs and violence. Now as an adult when I talk to people who attended school as kids, most of them laugh and say this was far from their experience and that they loved school. Sometimes I still catch myself feeling surprised by their positivity.

The criticism I have here is the unfairness and inaccuracy with the way school was portrayed and how it led to unnecessary fear. I grew up terrified of not only schools but the kids who attended them. My sister and I called them “school kids” and we thought they were scary and mean. We could usually tell when we saw other kids if they were familiar fellow homeschoolers or “school kids”, who we usually avoided.

One of the biggest concerns I’ve heard from the general public toward homeschooling is a lack of socialization. Growing up, my sister and I were great at talking with adults and interacting with younger children, usually better than our publicly educated peers and my proud parents pointed this out. They weren’t wrong. But while we excelled socially with adults and littler kids, we struggled more with kids our own age, especially if they seemed different than us. I’ve seen this to be a common homeschool experience.

One of my biggest criticisms for the way I was homeschooled, is that all my friends, all the activities we did, all the people I ever interacted with, were also conservative Christian so I had zero diversity in my life. Everyone and everything I ever encountered closely was a clone of what I already knew. Even with the traveling and social activities, I was very much in a bubble. Every event during the week was at church or with church people. It was a form of isolation, but I think my parents truly thought they were protecting us.

I also had almost zero exposure to important cultural media or events. Even now in my 30’s I’m often still learning for the first time about things that profoundly shaped my peers and even our entire society – things like movies, music, kids TV programs, and even social, political or economic events that were a big deal. As an adult I’ve studied major world events that I lived through from a historical perspective because I didn’t know they were happening at the time.

We lived in a rural area but it wasn’t so remote that my parents couldn’t have taken me to programs at the library or enrolled me in art classes or sports at the local school. We went into town a few times a week, it could have fit into our lifestyle. We did participate in a weekly homeschool co-op that had a variety of fun activities that felt fulfilling at the time, but it was also part of the church and I realize now how narrow my existence was.

Being raised religious wouldn’t have had nearly the damaging impact on me that it did if I had been able to see different ways of living and thinking and know that our religion was one expression of many in a big beautiful world.

Instead, our church and parents used an “us versus them” fear-mongering approach. Being “sent to school” was actually used as a threat to control our behavior. Every year as fall approached my sister and I were nervous about whether this would be the year our homeschooling utopia came to an end. My mom would make little comments about not being sure how long they would homeschool and it created an underlying anxiety for us. I remember clearly one time my sister and I were bickering in the car and my mom told us she was going to enroll us in school as a punishment and the teachers would make us behave. She actually drove us to a nearby elementary school and she said she was going to walk in and sign us up. We were horrified! At the last minute, parked in front of those big glass doors, Mom said, “I guess I’ll give you another chance, but next time you might not be so lucky”. I think the church’s intense emphasis on behavior control is probably what led her to think she had to use methods like that to keep us in line.

After teaching us the basics like how to read and write, our parents were fairly hands off with our day-to-day education. My mom bought us school books at a local homeschool bookstore and gave them to us and we were expected to go through them on our own. My dad would help us with math sometimes in the evenings but that was about it. I suppose this approach might have been because they trusted us and we didn’t take advantage of that. I did well and self-teaching is a skill I’m grateful for. I also acknowledge my privilege – not everyone could learn easily without a more robust support system.

Thankfully the curriculum I had growing up was mostly secular. I’ve heard horrific stories of homeschool “curriculum” that was basically just Bible verses and etiquette lessons or no lessons at all. My best friend had to teach herself how to read at age 9. I’m glad that wasn’t my experience. Some of my science books were Christian-based but luckily they was less extreme than some and the only glaring gap was evolution.

Math and science were my weakest subjects, which is common in homeschooling. I usually tested average or barely above average in those subjects while I tested much higher in everything else. I also had to work harder in math and science classes once I got to college. I’m honestly not sure if I’m less naturally inclined toward math and science or if this is because I was homeschooled. I do think the reason it’s so common for homeschool kids to struggle in those important subjects is because those are more difficult to teach to yourself, especially when there’s no tutoring support available.

I LOVED college, but I was still scared spitless when I first went. I’ll never forget what it felt like – it really sounded like everyone was speaking a foreign language because there was so much I didn’t know about the outside world. I learned how to nod along and laugh on cue and studied social cues to fit in. However this learned coping mechanism has a negative effect on me today, 15 years later, because it can foster shallower relationships and miscommunications.

That first quarter of college was a whirlwind – I gradually warmed up and was happy as a clam. I gained confidence and learned leadership skills and discovered what it feels like to be a valued member of a vibrant and accepting community. College is also when I first started my slow process of deconstruction. It didn’t take much to notice reality was more complex than I had been led to believe.

To conclude, I don’t hate homeschooling. I think it can be done well, or very poorly. Homeschooling when done poorly is a huge disservice to children, and frankly, child abuse. I don’t think homeschooling itself is the problem in a lot of cases, but rather the religious indoctrination that fuels it. Unfortunately homeschooling has been a favorite tool for abusive religion and a great cover-up for abusive families. I believe my childhood would have been perfect if I had been homeschooled free of indoctrination and fear and with exposure to other lifestyles and beliefs. Once again, religious exclusivity shows itself to be the problem behind many social ills.