Are You Happy Now?
Are you happy now? I became what you accused me of.
I call it cause and effect, you call it prophecy.
You said I wasn’t committed to church when I was there 5 days a week.
Now, I’m never there.
Are you happy now?
You accused me of doubting when I only asked a question.
Doubt crept in when I learned asking is an unpardonable sin.
Are you happy now?
You charged me with bitterness while you shoved it down my throat.
I tried to refuse it, but choking, sputtering, I swallowed some.
Are you happy now?
Gossip spread, announcing my “low standards and loose morals” – back when I was still following all the rules. It took years of vicious Christian love to break me down and make me wonder why I bothered with the rules if they didn’t make better followers. Now I follow my heart, not theology.
Are you happy now?
I had no interest in drinks or drugs, parties or perdition, but you sure made them sound interesting.
“Hmm, probably more hollow threats, let’s find out.”
Are you happy now?
Echoes of “You don’t take the Bible seriously enough”, haunted me as I stayed up late studying for my graduate-level seminary classes.
Exhausted, my Bible now sits dusty on a shelf.
Are you happy now?
You accused me of sleeping around when I was a virgin. Only after your promises for a “life of purity” and a “God-honoring marriage” turned up empty, did I decide to explore. Nowadays Christians label me a cheap woman.
Are you happy now?
You dragged me kicking and screaming to the church door and threw me outside in the cold. When I ran out of resolve to continue banging on the door, I stumbled away with bleeding hands. You said “Look, there she goes – a backslider!” I don’t feel safe in churches anymore.
Are you happy now?
You wrestled Jesus out of my hands. I loved Jesus. But you said a person like me wasn’t capable of following him. Eventually I conceded that possibility – I just can’t live the way you do.
Are you happy now?
You told me I wasn’t a real Christian when all that mattered to me was pursuing Christ. I really believed through all my changing, reevaluating and deconstructing that my being a Christian was the one thing that would never change. Now, I see no common ground between myself and Christians and wonder If I really am one after all. Perhaps I’m not.
Are you happy now?
You needed a villain, you needed an enemy, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I was the nail that stuck up just a little too high on the floorboards. You picked me. Your system isn’t sustainable without an imminent threat, a cause for fear. So you created one.
You made an example of me and drove me away.
Are you happy now?
You warned me I would suffer apart from the church. Excommunicating me severely traumatized me, leaving me with a PTSD diagnosis that disrupts my daily life.
Are you happy now?
From childhood you indoctrinated me to believe humans are inherently evil and corrupt. My experiences in church are the best proof of that I’ve found. I’m slow to trust and quick to run.
Are you happy now?
Did I become what you accused me of? Or did you make me what you wanted all along?
Surely, you must be happy now.